so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
