she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
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