There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
