she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
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