Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
