At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I intend to get homeless drunk
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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