I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
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