Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
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