He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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