Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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