Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
