You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize
