is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
no, he came in my armpit
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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