there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
