I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
