so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Randomize
