I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
