How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
