I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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