i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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