Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
