Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
