he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
