apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
