11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
