there were more penises there than on chat roulette
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
