Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
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