I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Randomize
