so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
21 Horny People Confess Their Boldest Sexual Advances
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
29 Shocking Confessions That People Thought Were A Joke
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.