I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
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it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"