Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
