someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
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