got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
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Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
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Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.