I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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