Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(269): View more from Michigan

Pants 0. Shit 1.

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(818): View more from California

The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".

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(518): View more from New York

Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.

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23 Parents Gave Awful Advice about “The Birds and the Bees”
Read it at the TFLN blog
(920): View more from Wisconsin

The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.

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(678): View more from Georgia

Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.

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(256): View more from Alabama

I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.

(1-256): View more from Alabama

*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.

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