pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
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