Pants 0. Shit 1.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
23 Parents Gave Awful Advice about “The Birds and the Bees”
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
These 19 Deaths Are Ironically Hilarious
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.