I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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