A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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