so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Randomize
