I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
