I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
