Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
