ya dads aren't the best wingmen
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize
