I can tuck mytits in my pants
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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