Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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