What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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