69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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