foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
my liver is dry heaving
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
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