i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
