Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
