So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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