I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
