my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
