You made me cry and you don't even care
Your tits are I can't wait for
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
