You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
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