i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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