high people should be assigned attendants
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
