That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
