You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
