so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
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