this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
