the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
