oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
