can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
The cops high fived after they tackled you
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
