69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
oh god was she eating orange peels again
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
