So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
