tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Randomize
